motivation

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed I was starting to develop a stutter. It arose whenever I talked to my friends, my family, and even my coworkers. When it first began, I didn’t know what to make of it and did the worst thing I could have done: I googled it. It should come as no surprise that what I got off of Google was quite disturbing. It said the stutter could be a sign of a brain tumor. Wow!

Upon further evaluation, I determined that the stutter was a mental block that had developed due to some hard conversations I’d been having with different people. In the span of a week, I had engaged in conversations about white supremacy and the horror that unfolded in Charlottesville, VA, as well as our LGBT brothers and sisters. Neither conversation went very well at all. During one, I spoke with several people where I was the only one on my particular side of the conversation, and in the other I ended up getting into an argument with a guy that I thought shared my perspective.

I mention these conversations only because they allowed me to evaluate what my motivation was for getting into these discussions. Actually, I didn’t willfully evaluate them. My best bud James asked me what my motivations were and it made me think – why was I getting into these discussions? Was I trying to educate others on topics I care about such as white privilege and the LGBT community? Was I trying to show people I know more than them? Was I trying to get others to flip over to my side, or was I simply arguing to argue for something?

The truth is, it was probably a little of all of those things. I wasn’t actively thinking about my internal motivations, but I am positive my ego and personal agenda crept in as I was having the conversations. The problem is that I was causing more division than anything else. Even when I thought I was trying to unify everyone, all I was doing was driving a wedge between my friends and me. I’m not saying I should have abstained from having these conversations, but I most definitely should have evaluated my motivation for having a conversation and planned out my side a little better.

The other aspect I lacked in these conversations was empathy. My other best bud David pointed this out. I certainly didn’t take the time to try to see things from their perspective, which caused me to not listen to them as well as I should have. I was planning out my next hard-hitting sentence while they were talking, because in my mind if I just phrased my side better then they would understand. This is obviously the wrong approach to any conversation, and it took me developing a stutter to realize this. I must be extremely dense.

So, I write all of this as an attempt to open up to all of you. I am trying to do this more and more, and part of that is admitting my faults to however many of you are reading this. As we say on our podcast, I do not have the answers necessarily, but I am willing to discuss what the possible answers are. Ever since these things were pointed out to me, I have been able to have far better conversations with the people close to me. I guess it only took me not being able to talk for a while to be able to effectively communicate with other people.

-brad

being vulnerable

Recently I went down to a very familiar territory for the three of us here at Everything is OK.  I went to a place where we spent one week out of every summer through much of our youth – I went to Falls Creek.  If you are not familiar, it is a huge church camp in Oklahoma that is put on by the Southern Baptist Convention.  This year, the camp ran for eight weeks.  Each week there is around 5000 kids at the camp.  It is a huge camp.  A lot of things have changed since I attended almost 13 years ago, but the overall aspect of it was the same.

While I was there, I engaged in some conversations with people in the cabin we were visiting.  Many of the conversations were light hearted and fun, but a couple were serious in nature.  One of the biggest conversations I got into was, of course, about politics and religion, as well as The Bible and its place in both of those topics.  If you have followed our podcast at all, or have read the first couple of my posts, you have probably heard me talk about my journey with all of those topics.  I have openly questioned some interpretations of The Bible and have questioned what role, if any, religion should play into politics.

I say all that to say this.  I have discovered that being vulnerable with people is hard at times; however, being vulnerable with family and close friends is the hardest.  I didn’t realize that it would be when I first started this journey, but it certainly has turned out that way.  At first I couldn’t put my finger on why that was.  I thought it would actually be a bit easier because I know them so well, so I thought that the conversation would go a little smoother; however, this has proven to not be the case in most instances thus far.  When conversations have not gone very well, it has been more painful than I ever thought it would be.  Whether it be intentionally or unintentionally, when a friend or family member dismisses you, it cuts a little deeper.

It would be easy for me to say that somehow they are doing something wrong, and they need to look at what they are doing.  While this may be true, it is also true that I have done the same thing to my friends and family.  So instead of pointing a finger away from me, I think it is time to point a thumb right back at myself.  The most wonderful aspects of this podcast and blog is that I have been able to engage in some really amazing conversations with people that otherwise I probably would not have.  I have heard some incredible insight, but also been let in to some deep pain that others are feeling.  My hope is I will always approach each conversation with the care and love it deserves.  It is difficult to be vulnerable to others.  It takes courage and I want to make sure we honor that courage by truly listening and being able to discern what response, if any, is needed.

So, as we go into this weekend and on to next week, may we truly be there for those around us, be present in the moment, and not dismiss someone by not giving them your full attention.  May we understand that by someone letting themselves be vulnerable with you, they are telling you that they trust you.  May we show them the love that Jesus showed. 

Jesus did not dismiss anyone.  He did not turn them away. He challenged the overly religious who thought they knew everything.  He did not dismiss the hurting and vulnerable.  May we be more like him.

-brad

the miracle of and

I have a buddy, Luke Ash. He’s one of those guys that just opens his mouth and wisdom comes out easy as an exhale. He taught me the miracle of and.

Friday I ran into Mr. Meigs, he and our buddy James have got this new thing, everything is OK. And I really like it - especially the confessional tone of the first few posts.

Because for me confession is beautiful, it’s the preamble to forgiveness and the postscript to faith. And it’s a builder of bridges, a mender of torn things. So I must confess…

When I’m in the heat of the moment, when a conversation is live-wired and fluid, when I’m full throttle, all-in with both my heart and head about any subject at all, I tend to respond to your statement with “But [insert my opinion]”. What I usually mean is, “let me clarify” or “that’s not how I see it”. But what you probably hear is, “you’re wrong, let me tell you how wrong you are, jerk.” And for that I’m truly sorry.

“But” is a little word that packs a colossal punch. It’s become the great negator, the indiscriminate disrespector of ideas. So I’ve had to re-learn how to talk. I’ve had to learn to say and.

Let’s practice.

So maybe you say, “Blueberry muffins are the best.” And secretly I loathe blueberry muffins, but instead of coming across as dismissive I can say, “And what about lemon poppy seed muffins!” See what I did there? I told you what I liked while validating what you liked. Even though I hate what you like. Simple enough. You’d think….

We are in the most volatile political season of my life. The vitriol and insults are reaching a fevered pitch. We’ve forgotten how to speak to each other. We’ve forgotten how to be nice. With the free and ever more ubiquitous platforms of social media everyone can have their voice heard. But instead of an egalitarian discourse it’s just everybody shouting over everybody else. And the most obnoxious and inflammatory people often get heard the loudest. You have the right to your opinion, BUT….

And yet after the election, after this crisis or the next one, we are still neighbors. And no matter how much is at stake, no matter how much you and I have on the line, we still must find a way to co-exist peacefully. We must find a way to love each other in spite of differences. Now I know that can sound like a utopian pipe dream, AND I hear you, although I believe it is possible to do better, hard as it may be. It starts with the miracle of and.

Let’s practice some more - on some tough ones. These are actual, very charged statements by friends of mine, I merely joined them with and. I’ve purposefully not added commentary to these deeply divisive but critically important issues, nor am I drawing a moral equivalent to the sentiments on either side of that and. I am merely suggesting that dialogue begins when both parties know they are being heard.

“I believe no one should EVER be shot for resisting arrest, and I raised my kid to not resist arrest so he doesn’t get shot.”

“I believe all lives matter, and it’s urgent, of critical importance that we remind our country black lives matter.”

             “I believe in the right to bear arms, and we need sensible gun reform.”

“I believe there are racist cops who let that cloud their judgment, and there are many brave, selfless policemen and women that are truly officers of the peace.”

Not every side of an issue has an easy right or wrong. And not every statement requires my response. Life is nuanced. We are nuanced. There are black and white things in the universe, AND life is shot through with every shade of grey. We are all a bundle of contradictions, AND there can be no progress without working together. So we must start by learning to listen, by thoughtfully weighing the arguments of others, whether we agree with them or not, and then, and only then, state our opinions in a respectful non-dismissive way.

I’m not so good at this. But…I mean, AND I’m really trying to be.

about the author

Mark Langham currently lives in Mississippi, but is more likely traveling the world loving people, making friends and working to stop child sex trafficking. If you would like to learn more visit conspiracyofhope.org.